TRIGGER WARNING: I will be sharing my anxiety story, and reading my physical symptoms might be a trigger for those sensitive to such content.
Stigma: a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.
Anxiety Disorder: a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.
Panic Attack: A panic attack is the abrupt onset of intense fear or discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes and includes at least four of the following symptoms: Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate. Sweating. Trembling or shaking. Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering.
January 2017 was the beginning of my entire world changing, and not in a good way. It was the day that I became "a stigma".
I went to the ER with chest, shoulder, stomach, and leg pain. Of course, its sounds like the symptoms of a heart attack in women. So they got me right back and did an EKG immediately, which came out fine. Next on the list was to palpate my stomach to check for tenderness, which they found over my appendix, and the obvious next step was to get me in for a CT scan to check for appendicitis. As I am drinking the dye, I realize I am breaking out in hives on my chest (at the time we all believed it to be a reaction to the iodine). I call in the nurse, and she administers a dose of Benadryl. No sooner had the nurse left my room I felt like I was about to die! I clenched my chest, and told Josh I couldn't breathe and that something was really wrong! Josh ran out the door and found our nurse. I spent the next 30 minutes hypoxic.
Hypoxia is a condition in which the body or a region of the body is deprived of adequate oxygen supply at the tissue level. Hypoxia may be classified as either generalized, affecting the whole body, or local, affecting a region of the body.
My body completely seized up. My jaw was tightly clenched shut, you couldn't get a piece of paper to slide between my jaws. My legs are stiffened, and my toes pointed in such a fashion that you would think I had taken years of point techniques for ballet. My fingers were in unnatural forms as every muscle in them went as rigid as they could get.
My heart rate was tachycardic for a lot longer than they definitely wanted it to be.
Tachycardia, also called tachyarrhythmia, is a heart rate that exceeds the normal resting rate. In general, a resting heart rate over 100 beats per minute is accepted as tachycardia in adults.
I suppose they administered Xanax, or Ambien to get me calmed down, because I went from completely freaked out to "Okay, I'm so much better" in a matter of 45 minutes. After ALL of that, we found out that I just had an ovarian cyst that was causing my pain. The panic is still something that we have no idea why it happened or why it has continued to this day.
In January 2017, my journey began. I have lived with anxiety, and panic for 2 yrs now, and what I have found in this time frame is there are those who get it, and those that don't. Those that have never experienced it can be sympathetic, but they will never understand it. And that is in a world without Christ. For those of us that live in a Christian environment, it can be a bit harsh.
Things that can be heard from Christian peers who have never been there are some of the following... (Let me preface this by saying that I have a ❤ wonderful church family ❤ who have prayed for me, and several ladies who have watched me cry, and listened when I needed it. This is a generalization, and not specific to any person or church.)
"Next time it happens, just read your Bible."
"Have you tried to pray it away?"
The bible says that we aren't to be in a state of fear, and when you are in that state, you are disobedient."
"You must have sin in your life."
"Backsliding is why you are dealing with this."
"God is trying to get your attention."
"Just memorize scripture, and that will keep the anxiety away."
"You don't need a counselor, just come to church."
"Medication is not the way to go. You don't need it."
These are just a FEW of some of the things that either I have been told, or that others who have confided in me have been told by fellow Christians.
***This is not to say that prayer, reading your Bible, and spending time with the Lord won't help. It most definitely can. But it's not a fix all solution. Not everyone who battles with mental health issues are dealing with a spiritual battle. Much of the time it is chemical, and/or physical.***
After I began to tell my story on social media I had dozens of women message me telling me their stories, and how they were so terrified of speaking out because of the backlash that they have gotten by their family, those they go to church with, co-workers, and those they respected the most. It was then that I became very burdened for the christian women around me who suffer silently. They have no one that understands. No one that will be there for them.
People stay quiet about their battle with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and so much more because they don't want to become a stigma. They don't want others to "mark" them as crazy, unspiritual, or a backslider.
I want to encourage anyone reading this that may be suffering in silence...you are not alone! There are so many more that struggle than you know. I want you to know that I will speak out for you! I will not be silent on something that is becoming an epidemic in churches. Anxiety is a health issue, and one that should be discussed more. My burden with this blog is to bring awareness to mental health issues that Christians live with, and tell no one. I am here for YOU! WE are not a stigma. WE are regular people who live a hard life due to something we can't control.
Lets band together and BREAK THE STIGMA!